If you have read my previous post(s), you've read about how I have chronic anxiety, am perfectionistic, and *brace yaself* have struggled with an eating disorder for 15 years. I highly recommend reading the previous post which explains things a bit more clearly if you haven't yet. Click here for the previous post.
So continuing where I left off..... anorexia, followed by anorexia binge/purge subtype, followed by full blown raging bulimic (which I say with a touch of humor). Everything I write should be taken with lightness. The gravity of eating disorders is real. They are serious. They are dangerous. They are not a phase or just something girls go through. HOWEVER... after combating with my unhealthy relationship with food and myself for half my life I cannot talk about it with any real gravitas for a few reasons.
#1. It has all been said before. I have done the heart-felt, gutted, therapy session. I've confided to my close friends. Others have done it too. There is nothing left to say. There are no more words.
#2. It has been FIFTEEN YEARS. If I don't approach something so tragic with just a tad bit of humor I don't think I could go on. Laughing in the face of it (for me) has been extraordinarily helpful.
#3. It just not me. Its not my style. I don't jest to make light of something serious. It is just my way of being able to handle it all.
SO..... That being said, I wanted to address not my tumultuoous past with food but my present working on this project.
#No.Filter is an exercise in vulnerability for clarinet, film, and tape which is accompanied by this blog of gut spillage.
The actual performance will be held at 9pm on March 25th at Resonance Cafe in Montreal.
The performance is broken into three sections (which may or may not be continuous)... decisions, decisions...
The first section is focused on the anxiety which has always been a common thread in my life and has absolutely fueled my eating disorder and self-destructive tendencies. These include two pieces and two films entitled "Everyone's Watching" and "Paralysis". Everyone's Watching is about just that... that feeling that you are being scrutinized and judged by everyone around you. Its the paranoid (and narcissistic) assumption that YOU are found to be suspect, less than, flawed, and everyone knows. Paralysis focuses on the overwhelming wave of anxiety which in my case morphed from a constant need to work, to be productive, to organize, to make lists, to do, into absolute static.... the weight and the pressure (both external and self infliicted) is so much that you cannot move forward. Hell, not just an inability to move forward, but an inability to move period.
The second section is focused on the desperation and inner turmoil. You try relentlessly to keep your shit together and no matter what the world keeps turning, things keep changing, and you keep scrambling to just Get. It. Together. The opening piece of this section is called "Desperation" which is pretty self-evident. The second piece is lamely titled "Silent Scream". The dramatic titled is a bit nauseating for me but I was at a loss. It is about remaining silent through all of this, sitting through dinners, parties, classes, events, concerts and all the while feeling like I am trying to keep this beast raging in my head under wraps, hidden away.
The third section is about recovery but not in the sunshine and rainbows sense. Recovery is boring, and messy, and it just.... is. The first work in this section is "Uneasy Truce" which is really what happened for me. I grew too tired to fight so I basically threw my hands up in the air and said "whatever.". I n doing so I found a balance in my life, a way to not let my eating disorder constantly take the wheel. The final section is called Resolution.... which is what it is. Its not recovery, things just resolved. There was no sudden moment, there was no light at the end of the tunnel. It just creeped up slowly, and one day I realized, "Hey wait, I think I'm like... actually okay....how long have I been okay? Am I okay with being okay? I must be.... I didn't even realize I was!"
So this is my rambling for the day.... I'll be posting regularly this week, sharing more stories and posting some more about the performance. I hope to see you there.