The third piece in this work is about the very LOUD silence of eating disorders. I have always found myself being too much. Even as a child I was too much. I wanted too much. I felt too much. I needed too much. Everything was so intense. In the early stages of my disorder (particularly anorexia) I think part of what fueled me was a desire to restrain myself, to learn some restraint. I cared too much, constantly. I wanted to careless and if I could just get a grip and learn so
This is not a a frequent occurrence for me. My anxiety fuels my work. It is so normal and so common place in my life that I crave it. I am convinced that if it weren't for my chronic anxiety that my life would fall apart. It is the only thing holding it all together. I realize this is irrational because if anyone else were to say that to me about themselves I would be equipped with a whole bunch of reasons for why this is not the case. As my boyfriend likes to say "The rules
Anxiety plagues a startling number of people. It was a word which was rarely used even just 10 years ago. It certainly wasn't used as frequently when my issues with food first arose nearly 15 years ago. I think sometimes these days it is used a little too frequently, it is used to describe normal nervousness or concerns about things which are valid to be concerned about. Anxiety is a step beyond nervousness or concern. My anxiety doesn't come on in high pressure or high risk
I think a common thing people ask someone who suffered from or is currently in the throes of an eating disorder is WHY. That seems to be the big question.
Unless you’re there, unless you have experienced it it can be unimaginably difficult to wrap your head around it. Why do people voluntarily starve themselves? Why do people voluntarily binge? Purge? Why enagage in any of those behaviors?
Why indeed. It can be maddening for the friends and family of the eating disordered
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If you have read my previous post(s), you've read about how I have chronic anxiety, am perfectionistic, and *brace yaself* have struggled with an eating disorder for 15 years. I highly recommend reading the previous post which explains things a bit more clearly if you haven't yet. Click here for the previous post. So continuing where I left off..... anorexia, followed by anorexia binge/purge subtype, followed by full blown raging bulimic (which I say with a touch of humor).
This blog series is an accompaniment to the performance of #No.Filter: an exercise in vulnerability for clarinet, electronics, and film which will premier original works at Resonance Cafe, March 25 at 9pm. I've been falling behind on these blog posts. It's hard to keep up with the writing. Perhaps the next time i decide to divulge the personal story behind the project I will choose a less time consuming medium. I think this post is fitting in its timing although if